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living on your breath/feeling with your skin... - In your favourite darkness
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Subject:living on your breath/feeling with your skin...
Time:11:53 pm
Glinda and I had a good chat this morning. Sort of funny, really, that we can get on. Wouldn't have thought Tara was the sort of bird who'd like me, but of all the Scoobies she'd always been the most tolerant of me. Well, her 'n Anya, but Anya was too hung up on what that git Xander thought to really become my friend. Shame, really, cos she had a bit more going for her than Red or the boy. But yeah, Tara and I talked a few things over. Didn't get too into everything, but we cleared the air a bit. I don't think she trusts me completely, and she shouldn't, but she... seems willin' to give me a chance, which I reckon is more than I deserve. We sort of agreed I can stay here for a bit. Not exactly a long term solution, cos what am I going to do, sleep on the sofa forever? I know there's a bedroom free, but the thought of sleeping in Buffy's old bed every night, surrounded by her stuff... Too much to bear, I reckon.

After breakfast I went back into the sitting room. Watched a bit of telly, drank the rest of the pig's blood Tara had given me. No need to tell her that I can hunt now. Don't think she'd treat me so warmly if she knew. I heard Dawn get up and go out. She didn't come in to see me, which I sort of expected. So I watched some daytime TV, and then fell asleep on the sofa for the afternoon.

I woke up in the early evening, just as the sun was setting. Tara was out, probably grocery shopping or something. Dawn wasn't in the house either. And I was hungry, and restless. It felt strange, having spent this time in a domestic setting. I wasn't used to it. Talking to people wasn't something I'd done much of over the last four months. Drinking and passing out in my car, yes, and murdering a lot of people - that I could do. But bein' civilised was difficult. So I needed to let off a bit of steam.

I found a girl, but for the first time in months she wasn't blonde. The girl I spotted was tall, slim, and brunette. Her hair hung in a long brown sheet down her back, the way Dawn used to wear hers before she got all hardcore, and she was wearing a neat little skirt and jacket. When I got closer to her I found she smelled of grape lipbalm and cherry shampoo. She looked up at me with wide eyes and made a silent "O" with her mouth before I grabbed her.

When I was done with her, I found she didn't look much like Dawn at all, and I felt vaguely sick. I dropped her body in an alley and went to a 7-11. I drank a six pack of beer sitting on a park bench, and then I took a bottle of whisky and a packet of smokes home with me.

I came into the house quietly, through the back door. I could hear Tara moving upstairs, but I didn't feel like company. Maybe she sensed that, because she didn't come downstairs. Or maybe it was the sort of time she usually went to bed. I didn't know, or frankly care that much. Instead I opened the bottle of Jack and got myself a tumbler and sat at the breakfast bar, smoking my way through a pack of fags. I kept the kitchen door open to let the smoke out, and I breathed in the night air. I'm not sure how long I sat there, drinking whisky, but I was feeling comfortably numb when I heard footsteps.

((Open to Tara and Dawn.))
comments: leave me lying here Previous Entry Share


lockless_key
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Time:2007-01-18 01:37 am (UTC)
I laugh, mostly because I don't know what else to do, and partly because it's so ridiculous it's funny.

"Right, because you're sooo smart. So smart you couldn't even figure out how to stick around! We all had to deal with it, okay, but you were the only one who ran away, so don't even give me that shit."

I guess y'know what they say - a drunk person says what a sober person thinks. Or somethin'. Anyway, I'm talking wayyy too much, but I can't stop. And if Spike's gonna be all Mr. self-righteous and shit, well, he can shove it. Um. He knows where.

But his last words really startle me. And piss me off. Like, what the hell? I mean, seriously, he's not my dad, god. Hypo- hy-po-crite much?

"Yeah? What's it to you?" I slam the glass on the counter, no longer in the mood to drink any fuckin' water. "It's called a party, Spike, alright? It's called living my life. Oh, but I guess you wouldn't know anything about that."

I so do not want to be having this conversation right now, but it's like I can't stop, the fight is contagious. "And for your information," I say, narrowing my eyes, and stepping closer to Spike so I can really look at him, "he was a soccer player. Okay? So take that."

The thought crosses my mind that I'm being kinda mean, that he could just be concerned and over-protective, 'cause he always used to protect me an' stuff, but so what? It's a little late for that. And it's really none of his business. God, why am I still here? With a flip of my hair, I turn to go.
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-01-18 02:53 am (UTC)
"Right, because you're sooo smart. So smart you couldn't even figure out how to stick around! We all had to deal with it, okay, but you were the only one who ran away, so don't even give me that shit."

"I left cos your so-called fucking friends made it clear they'd burn me in my sleep if I stayed. Not my fault that they turned out to be sodding wastes of space who couldn't stop you turning into a two-bit Lolita."

"It's called a party, Spike, alright? It's called living my life. Oh, but I guess you wouldn't know anything about that."

Alright, that stings a bit. But what, am I supposed to have started partying after Bu - after she died? Am I bollocks. I can't put on a happy face. So I get pissed, alright, but so what? Not like it's going to kill me.

Dawn pissing me off might lead to violence, though.

And then Dawn steps right up to me, staring me in the eye.

"he was a soccer player. Okay? So take that."

And then she turns to go, flipping her hair, which is really the last straw. Flipping her fucking hair at me like she's some kind of LA princess. I grab her arm, and none too gently either.

"Where do you think you're going?" I ask through gritted teeth. There aren't enough words to express how furious I feel right now... And more than that, there's a sour taste of something in my belly, and it feels like jealousy.

Cos my life isn't complicated enough.
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lockless_key
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-01-18 03:08 am (UTC)
I shrug; I don't care.

"They're not my friends. They were hers."

I'm about to leave the kitchen when I feel something grab my arm. Spike. And his stupid fucking vampire strength. Helloo, whiplash. It's like I'm a ball on a string, bouncing off only to be yanked back.

Ow.

I stumble, because I really wasn't expecting that, and because hello! drunk, and have to grab onto the counter for support. Because Spike obviously isn't gonna be any! What's his deal, anyway? For a while there I thought he was gonna take me out when I got older, teach me how to drink and stuff... but then he took off, so I had to teach myself. I'm sure he's seen worse... don't know why he's getting so irri- irrita- pissy about it. Goddamn.

I spin around, glaring at him. I really wish I had that glass of water so I could throw it in his face or something. But I guess I spun too fast, 'cause now the room's spinning. Woah. Crap.

"My room! My god, who the hell do you think you are?" I'd like to try and pull away, but his fingers are like frickin' iron on my arm, and I can tell it's gonna leave a bruise. I'd probably just fall over, anyway. "You run off like a huge coward and then decide to come crawling back and surprise! Things are different now! What did you expect, Spike? To step in and be the hero again? Think again, Daddy, because this 'two-bit Lolita' doesn't need you!"

Dramatic, but what can I say? I am pissed. In both senses of the word.
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-01-18 03:28 am (UTC)
"You run off like a huge coward and then decide to come crawling back and surprise! Things are different now! What did you expect, Spike? To step in and be the hero again? Think again, Daddy, because this 'two-bit Lolita' doesn't need you!"

If I thought I was pissed off before, this has notched things up to a whole new level. I can barely see straight, I'm so angry, and I have a huge desire to shake her and shake her until her bloody head rolls off. I have to hold myself back from slapping her, cos I reckon that would make a bloody satisfying sound, and so I grind my jaw until I have at least an edge of control.

"I was never a hero, you stupid cow," I say, pushing her back against the counter, my hand still tight around her arm. "Jus' liked keeping an eye on you. Seems I was right to, seeing what happens to you when I'm not around."

I put my free hand on the counter on the other side of her arm so I have her pinned against the bar.

"So you don't need me, Dawn?" I sneer. "But I reckon you still want me." My face is only inches away from hers now, and I can smell the alcohol on her breath and the perfume in her hair. "Don't you, pet? You always liked me. Used to come around to my crypt, flicking your hair and smiling at me, but I never did anything. But maybe I should give you a good seeing to? Seems like you're asking for it," I said, moving my face towards hers, our mouths only a nod of the head apart.
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lockless_key
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Time:2007-01-18 07:04 am (UTC)
I laugh, roll my eyes. Come on!

"Don't give yourself so much credit."

Then Spike backs me up against the counter and there's this look in his eyes and suddenly it's not so funny anymore. My arm throbs under his fingers and I just feel tired. And drunk. His face comes closer, close enough that I would've been able to feel his breath, if he needed to breathe. The world swims, and I close my eyes.

There's this feeling, in the pit of my stomach, and I'm tired and scared - of Spike! I know, right, stupid - and worried for the first time about waking up Tara, but in this weird, sick way I'm excited. Like I like provoking Spike. I like seeing that dangerous look in his eyes. Stupid, right?

But even with my eyes closed, I can still hear what he's saying. And it pisses me off, that he should be so fucking presu- presumptuous, but it also hurts. He left and things changed and now he has to bring up that, that... rejection, my stupid crush, and throw it in my face? That's not fair. And it's like the feeling in my stomach deepens, grows more violent.

I laugh again, opening my eyes. "Yeah," I say, pushing back against the counter, because Spike's a little too close for comfort and so is this feeling, this weird, nagging, dangerous feeling. "Yeah, maybe you should. Oh, wait. No." I pause, my mouth an 'o' of mock surprise. "Wrong sister."
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-01-19 12:26 am (UTC)
I see something flicker in Dawn's eyes, and I recognise it as fear. That gives me a grim little sense of satisfaction, and then I feel sick that I should enjoy making Dawn - Dawn - be afraid of me. Maybe the fucking scoobies were right and I am just a monster.

"Yeah, maybe you should. Oh, wait. No. Wrong sister."

I have to hand it to her, Dawn knows how to pick her words. It hurts, her mentioning Buffy, and the fire goes out of my belly. I let go of Dawn's arm and step back.

"Yeah," I say, and can't resist twisting the knife, cos she's hurt me. Dawn, who was the only one who was prepared to accept me without any questions, and who I s'pose I thought was some sort of safe harbour, and now has turned into something else, something dangerous. "You're right. She was the better choice."

I sit down at the bar tiredly and take out yet another cigarette.
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lockless_key
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Time:2007-01-19 01:36 am (UTC)
Oh, crap. I'd really done it now. Went too far, shit! Spike and Buffy's relationship was always kind of a no-go with us - and with everyone else, too, except for Xander, and a fat lot of good he turned out to be.

I'd hurt him, and he's hurt me. Well, I guess now we're even. Although it's still not fair. Why should I want to hurt him? 'Cause he's getting all over-protective and shit when he's got no right to be. And it hurts that he's left and that he can't handle the sitch now that he's back. He's totally like, wigging. And I'm totally not making it any better.

How did we get here?

I stay leaning against the counter, closing my eyes again, as Spike sits down and lights up. The pissed off-ness is gone, but that low, sinking, dangerous feeling is going away a little slower. I keep thinking of Spike's face, twisted with anger, close to mine, his eyes getting that tiny hint of yellow, and I think, what if-

Nooo, not thinking about that! No frickin' way! That's not okay.

Not. Okay.

I grab the glass of water and down it, because now I'm just plain tired but I know if I try to sleep I'll totally get the spins. And the spins fuckin' suck, y'know? With a clink, the glass goes down, back on the counter, and I push myself up. It's hard, being balanced and shit. Like, woah.

I look at Spike.

"I think that every day," I say quietly, and leave the kitchen, slowly walking down the hall, trailing my hand along the wall to help me keep my balance.
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-01-19 02:19 am (UTC)
Dawn looks over at me, and her expression takes all the wind out of my sails.

"I think that every day," she says quietly, and that - that hurts more than anything else she's said tonight. Shit, fuck and buggery. I've screwed this up royally again.

She walks drunkenly, but with a kind of dignity, down the hall. I jump off my stool and walk to the kitchen door. Dawn is silhouetted at the other end of the hall, and I have a strong desire to walk down there and pull her into a hug, somehow crush this awkwardness between us out with my arms, but instead I just stand in the doorway, arms hanging helplessly by my side.

"Dawn," I start, then stop. "I shouldn't..." I want to say "I didn't mean it", but she and I both know that's only partly true. "I shouldn't have said that. Was pretty bastardly of me."
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lockless_key
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-01-19 03:07 am (UTC)
"Yeah, well," I say, because I can't think of anything else. What do I do now? What do I say to make it okay? Do I even want to? Because in a sick, weird way, I like walking this tightrope with Spike.

I pause, but don't turn around, and hold up my free hand. The ground tilts. I try to ignore it. I want it to be yesterday, before Spike showed up. I want to be back at the party, with Jake, who's ordinary and boring and safe. I want Spike to push me up against the counter again-

No, I don't.

"Don't, okay," I say quietly. "Just... don't. I'm tired of everyone judging me."
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magick_goddess
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-02-04 10:43 pm (UTC)
Sleep used to be easy for me, the harder nights I could put on a CD and be alright...Ever since Glory...It's been another story. Every time I close my eyes I have nightmares of memories that aren't mine. I know they are memories by how vivid and painful they are; they're always images of a little blonde boy who is nothing but lost and hurting, aching for something he can never have.

I've tried everything herbal that I know of, I have even went so far as to get something from the Doctor but...I was never a fan of taking something such as that.

So I suffer in silence, taking a too long bath before pulling on a UC Sunnydale sweatshirt and pants, curling up under the blanket and aching for sleep. With Willow and I no longer talking and my responsibility to Dawn, I don't have the time or the ability to do more research into Glory or the spell that Willow cast to give me back my memories.

That's why I heard them. Dawn and Spike fighting about something or other, just because my room was above the kitchen didn't mean that I heard everything clearly. I slowly got out of the bed and slipped my robe on over the tank-top I decided to wear tonight. I walked down the stairs and tried to think of the right moment to enter, wondering if I should at all that maybe Spike will be able to get through to her like I have been unable to. But when I hear nothing but scattered words of hurt, I know that I can't keep quiet anymore.

"Just...don't. I'm tired of everyone judging me."

Wrapping the robe around me tighter, I slip down the stairs and out of the shadows, pushing my problems aside and focusing on Dawn. "I don't judge you," I whisper quietly, walking up to them. I took one look at Dawn and saw she was drunk. Anger should have been the first reaction, but it isn't and I walk over to the cabinet next to the fridge and pull out a small jar before taking a glass and filling it with water. I add the powder and walk past Spike, ignoring him and handing the glass to Dawn. "Here, drink this."

I turn on my heal and look at the two of them. Confused and angry and just...Too many emotions to process at once. "What is going on?" I stare at Dawn before turning to Spike with accusing eyes.
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-02-06 01:39 am (UTC)
I may have vampire hearing, but Tara manages to sneak up on me. Guess I wasn't listening out for her. Hard to think when I'm so pissed off and hurt and wanting to both strangle and hold Dawn. God, this is hard.

And then Tara appears in her robe, and for a moment it's like Joyce is here, 'cept Tara is younger, of course. It is like the mum has come downstairs, though, to tel off the naughty children.

She walks to the cabinet and gets something for Dawn. Herbal remedy, maybe.

"What is going on?"

"Nothin'," I say at once. Funny; two minutes ago I was happy to shout about all of Dawn's failings, but now Tara is here, I want to protect her. Not that I reckon Tara's likely to give Dawn a ticking off, but I know it'll hurt Dawn if Tara's disappointed in her. So I try to cover up for her. Reminds me of a silly time long ago, when Dawn was at my crypt after school, even though she wasn't meant to be, and she ate a gigantic bag of M&Ms. Buffy arrived, pissed off in her Buffy way, and said she'd told Dawn she was going to make them a family dinner, so why was she eating M&Ms? So I lied and said they were mine. And I winked at Dawn as she left, cos I knew full well that fillin' up on sweets was a good idea before sampling Buffy's cooking.

And I find myself missing that time, and Buffy, and the Dawn I understood. A Dawn who thought I was cool, but told me off for smoking, and the most hardcore thing she did was wear black nail varnish once in a while.

"Dawn just came back from hanging out with Janice," I continue. "We were just catching up."
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lockless_key
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Time:2007-02-06 03:24 am (UTC)
"I don't judge you," I hear Tara say softly as she walks down the dark hallway and into the kitchen. Somehow, her presence soothes me, my crazy wired nerves, and chases away the weird Spike thoughts.

"I know," I whisper back. It's true. She doesn't. She never did. That's why I wanted to stay with her rather than Willow, even if Willow wasn't all crazy magicked-out. Tara doesn't judge, she, like, understands. She's all quiet and sweet and un-presuming and she just makes you want to listen and do what she tells you to and stuff because you don't want to disappoint her. Which makes her a good influence on me, I guess, 'cause no one else is.

She hands me her all-purpose hangover remedy and I make a face. It's kind of gross. But like, seriously, it's freakin' magic. Except, well, not. But we've been through this before. Once or twice she's even held my hair back as I threw up like, all over the place. Well, in the bathroom. But still. Tara's great.

"Thanks," I say, and take a sip. It's not like, good or anything but it works. "I was um, at a party. With Janice. Sorry, I meant to get back earlier." It's a lie, and I'm sure we both know it, but maybe it'll make her feel a little bit better, worry a little less about me. I hate making her worry. But I can't help it.

Neither of us, neither me or Spike, want to talk about the fight. Hopefully Tara will just assume that he yelled at me for being drunk or something. Because I'd really rather not get into these weird sub-texts with her.

"Sorry we woke you up."
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magick_goddess
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Time:2007-03-05 01:44 am (UTC)
Spike started talking and I should have guessed that he would lie and gloss over things. It was sweet to act like he was protecting Dawn but I couldn't help but wonder if he had other plans for things.

I shake my head at Dawn when she makes a face, but we both know that it's better to have a bad taste in your mouth now then spending the next day with her head in the toilet. I wouldn't yell or abandon her, but holding her hair back wasn't something I'd look forward or enjoy doing.

Now it becomes Dawn's turn to lie and I sigh softly, knowing that she meant well as to not hurt me but it does just that. Not that I'd let her know that her secrets and lies to me do the one thing she hopes their telling won't do. "I know." I nod and let the lie stay as we fall into a silence that is far from comfortable.

"Sorry we woke you up."

One would have to be asleep to be woken up... "It's alright, I f-fell asleep in the chair so it's just as well." I look at the clock and decide that we shouldn't even bother trying to go back to bed. "Pancakes or eggs?" I move over to the dishwasher and start pulling plates and pans out. "Maybe both?" I handle things better when I keep busy and now is one of those times.
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-03-13 04:15 pm (UTC)
"I know," Tara says simply, and we all stand around in an uncomfortable silence. I can see why Dawn hates to upset her. Tara has this whole good angel thing going on that would be annoying if she wasn't such a nice bird. No one wants to disappoint her.

I'm surprised when Tara starts making breakfast. It reminds me again of Joyce. I wouldn't tell her that, o'course. No twenty-odd year old woman wants to be compared to a forty year old. But since I'm in triple figures, that sort of thing doesn't bother me. I always liked Joyce. Nice lookin' woman an' all, for her age. And she was good. Didn't judge people. Just got on with stuff. Tara's like that, I reckon.

I look over at Dawn, who's looking a bit brighter already in the face from whatever the hell it was Tara gave her. My stomach clenches and I look away. I'm glad she has Tara to look out for her, cos I think my looking after Dawn days might be over. Sad to say.

"I'll give you a hand," I say to Tara, taking the plates out of her hands and putting them on the breakfast bar. "You make a mean pancake," I add, by way of thank you.
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lockless_key
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Time:2007-03-15 06:44 am (UTC)
"Both," I say in response to Tara's breakfast question. I didn't know it was so late... or early. Good thing it's not a school night. I can sleep during the day, or something. I remember when I wanted to do that 'cause I thought it was cool 'cause Spike did it.

Spike.

"I'm gonna shower really fast, k?" I give Tara a quick hug and practically run out of the kitchen and up the stairs. On the way to the bathroom I shed my clothes, pumps first, then skirt, shirt, bra, etcetera. I don't feel so drunk anymore, thanks to Tara's magical herb thinger. Not sure if it's really magical, but it feels like it sometimes.

I step into the shower, waiting a few seconds for the water to become hot, letting it hit my skin, letting the steam cover up the mirror. I just want to wash it all off. The alcohol on my fingers where the beer sloshed over the sides of the cup, the feel of Jake's fingers on my waist, the smoke in my hair. The feel of Spike's body pushing me into the kitchen counter and how his heart didn't beat. Just - all of it. Gone, I want it gone.

I make sure not to stay too long in the shower and jump out quickly, wrapping my hair in a towel turban and slipping into my room to put on clean clothes. Old, faded jeans that are so comfortable they're like a second skin and a plain black tank top. Running a brush through my hair, I head back downstairs, the whole process taking maybe fifteen minutes, and I can smell Tara's pancakes already. My stomach growls.
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magick_goddess
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Time:2007-03-21 03:09 pm (UTC)
Dawn hugs me and takes off to go shower, I ignore Spike for the most part while she's gone, keeping myself busy making breakfast for the three of us. I have mixed feelings right now with Spike here and I'm not sure if I like most of them.

I can't say that things were fine without him here, but I can't say that things are going to get better now that he is. There's one thing that always remained true and that Spike was trouble, more so with the chip. He was manipulative and that only reminded me of my father and brother; all unhappy memory's for me.

Making breakfast is an almost automatic response for me, I've done it so many times. It took me a while after...after everything to remember that it was mostly Dawn and I that would be eating and not a house full of friends.

Dawn comes back and I smile at her, she even looks better now that she's showered. "Feel better, Dawnie?" I turn back to the eggs, beating them and using my free hand to reach over for the cheese. "Breakfast will be done soon. Do you want tea or coffee?" I glance at her hopefully. "Or maybe even juice?"
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sired1880spike
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Time:2007-03-23 10:37 pm (UTC)
I watch Tara busy herself around the kitchen. She doesn't meet my eyes, even when I get the plates out for her. Reckon she's not that comfortable around me. 'Salright; don't really expect her to be.

I step over to the window and glance out. The sky is beginning to lighten, and I tug the blinds closed. Tara glances up.

"Sorry," I say. "The sun." I shrug and sit down again at the island, wishing for another cigarette, even though I've smoked a whole packet tonight. Nothing here is simple. I'd... I'd hoped that coming back here might straighten things out for me. Straighten me out. But I keep thinking of the way I pressed Dawn against the island, and how I wanted to hurt her. Touch her or hurt her. Maybe both.

Dawn comes back in, and freshly showered she looks almost her age again. Tara offers her drinks.

"I'll have a brew if you're offering," I say sardonically.
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living on your breath/feeling with your skin... - In your favourite darkness
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